A Misty Moisty Morning

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

-Samuel Goldwyn

PS

Don't get too smug about by previous post. Most of you don't "make" anything either.

My Examined Life

Living with construction workers as I have for the past six months makes me feel pretty worthless. Here they are each day "making something" tangible with wood and nails. Cementing and sanding. And all I do is take up space on this planet. Everything I make disappears - down a throat or down a disposer.

Halloween Morning

Woke up too early (Harry). TCM (Turner Classic Movies) offering:

Freaks (1932)
A lady trapeze artist violates the code of the side show when she plots to murder her midget husband.

Talk about political uncorrectness.

Yesterday

We waited in the rain for 2 1/2 hours just to get to see the Barefoot Contessa. K then got sick all over my car on the way home. Ten minutes after getting home and parking, my car got sideswiped. Overall, not a good day.

A Beautiful Day

The Game of Golf, I Mean Life

clubs=talents
golf=life
holes=arguments
round=lifetime
bunker=earth

Wow
Life has rules.
Fourteen talents are the maximum allowed in one player's bag. Any number below 14 is fine, but more than 14 is not. Also, those 14 talents cannot be changed during the course of one lifetime. You must finish with the 14 you started with. However, if you begin with fewer than 14, you may add talents during a lifetime as long as no delay is caused and as long as the talent(s) added are not borrowed from another player. There's a penalty for breaking the 14 talent rule but I'll leave that to your imagination. Now aren't you glad you know this. Just in case.

Keeping Your Bag Filled
Make sure you start with 14 talents if you intend to play a game called “Pick Up Sticks” with your life partner. It seems that in this “game” your opponent can take away one of your talents (probably your favorite) if he wins the argument. And you can’t use that talent for the rest of the game. They say you’ll learn how to play more creatively because you’ll have to play with what you have which may not be the appropriate talent. In life, players should carefully fill up and smooth over all arguments, the messy footprints made by them and any nearby made by others before leaving earth. Also, any damage to relationships caused by life’s woes, any arguments caused by them and any damage to relationships made by the impact of these obstacles (whether or not made by the player himself) should be repaired. In any case, players should avoid causing damage to the course by removing obstacles when taking practice swings or when hitting your life partner’s talents into the ground, whether in anger or for any other reason. If a goal is within reasonable proximity, the putter should be used for this purpose. Try your best not to damage the earth when putting down your bag.

Play Nicely Now
Players should not stand too close to each other and should take care during an argument. The head of anything should not be used to remove anything from your partner. Don’t lean on your talents when arguing, particularly when removing your partner’s talents from the argument. Replace the nastiness in the argument before leaving the room. Local notices regulating your movements should and will be strictly observed.

The Full Monte
Three Talent Monte in life means that you get to pick just three talents to use during your lifetime. Of course, it really should be called Four Talent Monte because you are also allowed to use your putter in addition to the three you’ve chosen. But you cannot change your mind! They say it’s a good game to play in order to learn and practice half-shots, knock-downs and so forth. Whatever they are.

And what, may I ask, in life, is a putter? I think I need one.

The Full Monte

Three Club Monte in golf means that you get to pick just three clubs to use during the round. Of course, it really should be called Four Club Monte because you are allowed to use your putter in addition to the three you’ve chosen. But you cannot change your mind! They say it’s a good game to play in order to learn and practice half-shots, knock-downs and so forth. Whatever they are.

Play Nicely Now: Golf Etiquette

In golf, players should carefully fill up and smooth over all holes and footprints made by them and any nearby made by others before leaving the bunker.

What's a bunker? A "bunker" is a hazard that is a hole or depression that has been filled in with sand. Bunkers vary greatly in size and shape and depth. They are most commonly found serving as greenside hazards, but also often show up in fairways and alongside fairways. In the vernacular, one might hear reference to a "grass bunker," a hollowed-out area or depression in which, rather than sand, there is simply more (often deeper) grass. However, a "grass bunker" is not technically a bunker, because it is not a hazard under the rules. It's simply akin to rough.

Also, any damage to the putting green caused by golf shoes, any divot holes made by them and any damage to the putting green made by the impact of a ball (whether or not made by the player himself) should be repaired. In any case, players should avoid causing damage to the course by removing divots when taking practice swings or by hitting the head of a club into the ground, whether in anger or for any other reason. If a rake is within reasonable proximity of the bunker, the rake should be used for this purpose. Try your best not to damage the putting green when putting down your bag or the flagstick.

What’s a flagstick? The "flagstick" is a movable straight indicator, with or without bunting or other material attached, centered in the hole to show its position. It must be circular in cross-section. Padding or shock absorbent material that might unduly influence the movement of the ball is prohibited.

Players and caddies should not stand too close to the hole and should take care during the handling of the flagstick and the removal of a ball from the hole. The head of a club should not be used to remove a ball from the hole. Don’t lean on your club when on the putting green, particularly when removing the ball from the hole. Replace the flagstick in the hole before leaving the putting green. Local notices regulating the movement of golf carts should be strictly observed.

Keeping Your Bag Full (re.Golf)

Make sure you start with 14 clubs if you intend to play a game called “Pick Up Sticks” with your golf partner. It seems that in this “game” your opponent can take away one of your clubs (probably your favorite) if he wins the hole. And you can’t use that club for the rest of the game. They say you’ll learn how to play more creatively because you’ll have to play with what you have which may not be the appropriate club.

Wow

Golf has rules.

Fourteen clubs are the maximum allowed in one player's bag. Any number below 14 is fine, but more than 14 is not. Also, those 14 clubs cannot be changed during the course of one round. You must finish with the 14 you started with.

However, if you begin with fewer than 14, you may add clubs during a round as long as no delay is caused and as long as the club(s) added are not borrowed from another player. There's a penalty for breaking the 14 club rule but I'll leave that to your imagination. Now aren't you glad you know this. Just in case.

What's A Jerk?

"Strictly Personal" was a syndicated newspaper column from the '40s to the '80s written by Sidney J. Harris. I particularly like this one from 1961:

A Jerk

I don't know whether history repeats itself, but biography certainly does. The other day, Michael came in and asked me what a "jerk" was--the same question Carolyn put to me a dozen years ago.

At that time, I fluffed her off with some inane answer, such as, "A jerk isn't a very nice person," but both of us knew it was an unsatisfactory reply. When she went to bed, I began trying to work up a suitable definition.

It is a marvelously apt word, of course. Until it was coined, there was really no single word in English to describe the kind of person who is a jerk--"boob" and "simp" were too old hat, and besides they really didn’t fit, for they could be lovable, and a jerk never is.

Thinking it over, I decided that a jerk is basically a person without insight. He is not necessarily a fool or a dope, because some extremely clever persons can be jerks. In fact, it has little to do with intelligence as we commonly think of it; it is, rather, a kind of subtle but persuasive aroma emanating from the inner part of the personality.

I know a college president who can be described only as a jerk. He is not an unintelligent man, nor unlearned, nor even unschooled in the social amenities. Yet he is a jerk cum laude, because of a fatal flaw in his nature--he is totally incapable of looking into the mirror of his soul and shuddering at what he sees there.

A jerk, then, is a man (or woman) who is utterly unable to see himself as he appears to others. He has no grace, he is tactless without meaning to be, he is a bore even to his best friends, he is an egotist without charm. All of us are egotists to some extent, but most of us--unlike the jerk--are perfectly and horribly aware of it when we make asses of ourselves. The jerk never knows.